A Mother.

                                             My mother, to be exact.
I don't wish to bad-mouth her, I do love my mum. I just read a blog about toxic parents, mothers specifically. It's brought me to realize I have one of those toxic relationships with my mother.

It's difficult to live with a parent who has so many issues of their own. I've dealt with things like attempted suicide, and fibromyalgia, bi polar, among many others. I've seen my mother go through all this and more.
Don't get me wrong, I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach, she never hit me. It was, however, traumatizing. Nowadays my mother is a handful. She over exaggerates. She lies. She makes everything much more dramatic than it needs to be.

I do what every good daughter should do, I love her through everything she's put me through. I am there for her when she needs me, although she'd say otherwise.

That was the point of the article I read. That they think you're responsible for their happiness, that it's your job as a daughter or son to keep them above water. It's toxic. They don't respect your boundaries, which is more than true in my case. I guess she could be much worse, but the times I've sat and cried because she's the way she is I can't count.

It's not fair, I hope this article does not offend her. That shouldn't be a fear of mine. I shouldn't be afraid of hurting her feelings. I can't be scared to tell her the truth anymore. There's times when she's a child, and I'm the adult. A lot of people say I should cut her off.

The problem is, I can't. She's my mother, I love her. As I should.

today.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

-Robert Frost

I believe that everything happens for a reason. There's nothing in this world that doesn't boil down to fate. It's either meant to happen, or it just won't. Good or bad, things always go the way they are supposed to and there's nothing you can do to change that. Everything that has ever happened to me has led me somewhere better, and I can't ignore that fact. Think about your life. It's always persevered over obstacles you probably thought were impossible to overcome at the time. 

You might not understand this now, but a year down the road you'll be looking back so proud of yourself for making it through. This is how I view my injury as well. There's got to be something great down the road now. I've been granted time to find myself and experiment with hobbies. I've learned that I enjoy adult colouring books and cross stitching. I love social media and creating websites. So now I'm considering school for web development and social media. I really think I'll be good at that. Just look at me go, right? All from the comfort of my wheelchair. 

Tragedies happen. It's the sad truth we live with. It happened to me, it could happen to anyone. It's all in the way you take the news. All in how you respond or react. You could sit there and wallow, self pitying and sad. Why, though? There's no point in doing such a thing and there's no satisfaction in remorse and depression. 

I did have my moments, I'll admit. Moments where I cried, the pain was too much. Today I have come to terms with the needs of my recovery and am gliding along hoping for the best. 

At least it will lead me somewhere. Who knows where the road ends. I know only one thing, I'll be with him. 

 

Quitting smoking

Not an easy task.

Luckily I have my trusty vape to help me through. 

I will vouche for vaping. It has saved me money and aggravation to no end. Also, it's much healthier than you'd think. A lot of people say it's worse than smoking but I don't see how. Compared to a cigarette, the vape has less chemicals and is practically odourless vapor. 

How can you not try it?
 
 

The Oscars

Let's face it. #OscarsSoWhite is such a cop out. Chris Rock is doing an amazing job of hosting. Is it racist? Very. 

In my opinion, it's black people making the separation between us. White people don't give a shit. To have Chris Rock host was an amazing choice because he brought to light the real problem with #OscarsSoWhite and why it's actually a bunch of bullshit created by black actors who think that we think they aren't good enough. Besides, he did it with hilarity. 

Mad Max won six Oscars, more than any other movie even had the chance to win. Leonardo DiCaprio finally won himself an Oscar! 

All in all, the Oscars were a great watch.

 

What You Should be Focusing on

I sit behind my computer as per usual on this most auspicious of days,and I am hit with some reality. There are so many things to think about. Bills, kids, whether or not you remembered to lock your door this morning. Do you have milk in the house? Better grab another bag just in case. Is today Thursday? I can't remember. 

The feeling you get from all of this junk swirling around your head is called anxiety. It is to me, anyway. It's rough to think that every day everyone is dealing with a million things and you would never know. This is why I've made an unorthodox, yet brilliant(kind of) list of things I should be focusing on this year. If it isn't on my list, I try not to worry too much about it. 

We will start off with this: 

Personal Happiness

First and foremost, my personal happiness will come first. If one is not happy, one must change that. I can't tell you the amount of times I've cried over spilled milk, my chicken didn't turn out the way it should have! So I've decided to put a halt to over working my brain over things I cannot change. If you do not contribute to your own personal happiness, how can you expect others to do so?

What is it that makes you happy? For me it's fresh air, a good Netflix movie, snuggles with the babe. Freedom, energy, yoga, food. I incorporate all of this into my daily life, including writing this blog, and I must say, I am happier for it. 

Do what makes you happy, no matter what. It's not up to other people, as I've said before, the world owes you nothing. You owe yourself everything and more. Personal fulfilment comes from within, not from what is around you.

Finances

I know, I know. Groan and mumble. Money isn't everything, blah blah. To me, I feel as though having a good grip on my wealth means happiness. Knowing my bills are paid, and I have food in the fridge, that there's enough left over to go to dinner and maybe save a little. I've said once or twice in previous blogs that I'm not fantastic with saving money, I use the "jar" method. I work with cash and then save what is left over after giving both myself and hubby an allowance. 

Find what works for you. If it's ten dollars a week for the next year, save it. you'll have much more than you started with. 

Take Pleasure in Pleasure

When I was young, I didn't need to remind myself to have fun at the fair, or to enjoy that tiny little road trip to the local Denny's. I didn't need to remind myself to be excited at Christmas, or to enjoy that kiss from Grandma. Nowadays I find myself worrying more about how much the fair cost me, or how much gas we used up going to hike in the Pinery National Park. I need to breathe, learn to love these little things and not stress so much over the small details.

Take Pride in the Things You Do Well

This has always been a bit of a struggle for me. I'm one heck of a good cook but I'll never openly admit it. I might be great at a variety of things, I just don't know. Making dinner is one of my favourite hobbies, I will learn to take more pride in that. As a person, you need to identify and focus in on what makes you, well, you. 

Forgotten.

It is late.

I can't sleep.

And I hate to say

I'm in pretty deep.

2 AM dreaming

of 3 AM dreams,

I'll never understand

what this insomnia means.

I'm tired, but yet I remain awake. My mind is going a mile a minute and I can't stop it. All I want is to be someone they can be proud of, someone who means something. I started my website www.theCanadiancrab.wix.com/littletalks and I'm hoping that'll help get a bit of buzz about the advice column I plan on starting. You will be able to find the advice column at that website as well as send in any questions you may have through that website. I look forward to hearing from all of you!

Other People's Lives

Other people's lives are more interesting than mine

I don't know how to explain myself half the time. My life is boring. Wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't confined to the house, full of metal and braces. But, alas, here I am. Playing the Sims 4 and living vicariously through the lives of electronic people.